2005-04-01
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Well.. I'm not really good at letting go of my feelings.. but what the hell. I'll give it a whirl.
I've never really noticed other people other than myself. I guess I'm selfish, but hey. Whatever. I've never noticed how depressed my best friend really is, and how much she really does need someone to cheer her up. I would love to try, but she's not looking for a friend to do it. She claims she needs a boyfriend, not me. She's an amazing girl, and I admire her for that. I don't know why she keeps me around.. keeps me as her friend. I really am concerned about her, but I don't know how to voice my concerns. I'm a quiet person, and it's so difficult for me to voice my opinions or feelings. I guess I have trust issues. Feh. I really do..
Because that brings me up on my next subject: my boyfriend of two years. It's not that I have trust issues with him.. because I really think I can tell him anything.. but.. rather, I have problems opening up to anybody. I can't tell anybody my problems, because then I'll seem frail and weak. I know I am frail.. I'm weak emotionally.. so I place this rather large wall around me so nobody can get to me and nobody can see me as vulnerable. I try to be strong, but really I know I'm not. I know myself too damn well. I love my Chris so much.. but I can never bring myself to kiss him or to hug him or to hold him when he needs me to. I know he needs me.. I know he loves me.. (hell, he tells me so quite often). Why can't I bring myself to kiss him, just once? Why can't I bring myself to tell him that I love him, and say it first to him, not as some reciprocation. I want to hold him close to me and kiss all his pains away, and I want to tell him that I love him so very much. Why can't I? Oh well. When will I ever get over my wall?
faust-8 at 11:49 p.m.