2008-05-19
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Alrighty, another day another dollar.
I'm excited. I have potential jobs coming up, which means leaving my sit down job. Both of them will have me up and running around, which will be good for my weight situation. I hate my job. I dislike myself most days. It's horrible, and most of it stems from my job. I need to get away from here. I can't take much more of this. =|
Enough about my emo ranting about my job I guess. Another thing that has me worried would be my feelings for John. I can't tell if I really do love him or not. We really don't spend much time together, and when we do it's just to waste time until he can go get high again. When he's sleeping, I feel a faint flutter of affection.. but that's about it.
He mentions to me alot about long term things, about houses and cars and children. He mentions alot about 'settling down' with me, but if he doesn't really cut back on the pot, why do I want to waste my life with a loser? I've asked for him to maybe cut back a bit, and he's agreed. But how long until Levi convinces him it's a great idea to get high 24/7? I've shown John I don't mind every now and then but he doesn't get that it's a huge issue for me when it's all the goddamn time.
At least he promises me he'll cut back.
Yesterday though, we spent some time alone together not really doing anything. John told Levi he didn't want to hang out, and instead spent time with me. I enjoyed it, it sort of renewed my love. I asked him why he never mentions that he loves me anymore, but he didn't notice. He apologized, and told me a few times. That made me happy.
Truth is, do I really want to continue with this? To continue half-loving, half unsure? Maybe if we get some more time alone I'll recapture my feelings for him, rediscover why I loved him so much to begin with. I know he loves me, quite a bit so.
Where will things go from here? I don't know. I guess we'll find out as time streams along.
-Faust
faust-8 at 5:10 p.m.