2009-09-05
Faust drains the ol' spleen.
How interesting it is to go back and look at the previous entries I have written. I haven't updated in quite a while, and I feel the need to vent a little. Make myself feel better, mayhap.
Houses have come and gone, unemployment has waved at me from it's depths, and I've picked up smoking a little ganja. A little? Fuck, sometimes in a day I can't shake the cobwebs out of my head. Ah, I remember when I used to cry and complain about John smoking weed with his friends.. and then the friends get me to join them. I do tend to enjoy it, even if it does make me feel a tad guilty. Am I really involving myself in the drug culture? While living for the past 6 months at my previous residence, I was steeped in it. STEEPED. Roommates selling, John selling, me.. watching. Watching the process of getting the deals done, getting ripped off, worrying over the next deal. Trying to start a closet operation just to have it fail twice.
I look back on myself and how I used to be, how I used to think. Have I made myself dumber, less interesting? Have I lost some part of myself that made me a unique snowflake? I'm more introverted now than I ever was before, staying mostly to John's side and working. I don't have friends at work, ones that want to hang out with me anyways. I really don't have many friends. I've almost lost all the weight I had gained, looking slim and svelte (well, as close as I've been anyways). Why can't I find it within me to love myself? I know I used to be funny, I used to be interesting. Why am I so gray? Ah, I sound just like my previous entries. Whining, complaining, hateful. Maybe that's just my inner nature.
On the plus side, John and I are still together at this writing. He's made it clear to me that he's wanting to distance himself from everyone, everyone except for myself anyways. He wants to be with me when he isn't working. But.. when will we find the time to love and cherish one another when we're almost always apart? I work during the day now at Culver's, and he's mainly scheduled at night. I miss him so. I've discovered that I really do love him, for sure for sure. My strained relationship with Jesus has brought that out to my attention for discernment. But how can my love ripen and mature.. if all I ever really see of him anymore is his sleeping form as I head in to work? When we do spend time together, it's .. mainly he playing a video game or some such. I do realize that after almost 3 years together, he's not as eager to spend his waking moments with me anymore. I'm right there beside him, his baby, not going anywhere. But, can't he at least feed me my compliments that I need? I starve for his attention, I know that now. I hunger for his love, his smile to shine upon me. I don't see that pretty smile of his aimed at me much as of late. Oh God, how this utter devotion has devoured just about any semblance of independence in me. It's still there, but most of my actions depend on him now.
His job is treating him horribly, and he's becoming increasingly unhappy there. Margaret has a vendetta, it seems, and takes out her frustrations on him. John is such a wonderful, responsible man, and he doesn't deserve to be treated like a doormat. He and I are supposed to be attending NDK this next weekend coming up, but that cunt decided to schedule him anyways. I (and his mother) think it's another method to try and get him to quit. He's considering it again, because of this action. He knows how much I want to go, and how much I want him to come with. To do something together, that doesn't involve being stuck at home in front of the TV. Maybe we could go on a picnic, he and I. Outside, actually forced to spend time together. By ourselves. I'm straying from this paragraph's topic, am I not? Anywho, he's thinking of quitting because of this particular stunt. I'd love for him to come home to me more often, unfortunately I cannot become the breadwinner here. I make enough to pay for the phones, my pills, and other such trivial things that I feel necessary. I can't possibly take on the responsibility of his bills. Can't things go right for me, for us?
Even if things fail, and all is in despair, I still have him. I'm still going to be his hip attachment. Now.. if only he could smile, laugh, and tell me truly that he loves me. I'd be so happy, lol.
-Faust
faust-8 at 1:21 a.m.